The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.