Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
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When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?