Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
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“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
thinking about a very short hotdog
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.