“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
*limbos under the caution tape
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.