GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
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Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics