Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨