If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.