Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
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#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.