my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
When someone says you are so lazy
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.