A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.