Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
did it work
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*seductively peels off lederhosen
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Festive toon…