I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”