legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.