[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
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Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
How it started: How it’s going:
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.