If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.