Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
You Might Also Like
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.