My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying