If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Has there ever been a more American story?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.