-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Canadian owl: Eh?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.