It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on