Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
how was your vacation
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute