Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.