[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
What an awful time to have common sense.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs