Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
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We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?