My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]