6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
🛁
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.