Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*