I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Passwords are more important than ever.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*