a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
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If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Just a friendly reminder!
hi why am I like this
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints