I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.