He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
titanic
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
How dude HOW?!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.