*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
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Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Who called it baking and not making love
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
for all #parents out there
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.