There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
You Might Also Like
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I would like even faster food.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”