My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
How it started: How it’s going:
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I hope Alan is OK
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?