My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”