Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.