Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
TRAIN’S HERE
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.