[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.