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I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit鈥檚 foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
鈥擭ever bring a knife to a gun fight.
鈥擨 have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
the best thing i’ve ever made
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: I鈥檇 like a nap please.
Domino鈥檚 employee: Ma鈥檃m, this is Domino鈥檚.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine鈥檚-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I enjoy a good short stor
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store鈥an into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don鈥檛 know what to do with this student
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss