I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”