Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
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Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Lmfaoooooo
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.