detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target