Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
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sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”