*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.