Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug