Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs