I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?