My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
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Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]