[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
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I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it