No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
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Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT